Rest In Peace

[piasharn]

Pudd Tat
1 April 1986 - 6 October 2003

My cat died yesterday morning.

I... I didn't realize it would be this painful. It's taken a lot just to get through the day without breaking down. There's this huge fucking hole right in the middle of me. I didn't just lose a pet; I lost my closest friend who has been with me since I was five years old.

Part of me still can't believe that it happened... I woke up at about 4:30 a.m. yesterday morning, and heard her wheezing for breath. She was flopped out on her side, coughing up foamy saliva. Terrified, I scooped her up (she was so limp... like a ragdoll) and dashed upstairs. After getting my mom up, I managed to get ahold of the vet, who told us to meet him at the clinic. When we got there, she was almost gone. Her lungs were giving out, and there was nothing we could do but put her down.

(Shit. Just writing about it has made me start crying all over again. I just can't deal with this... I'm not ready for this. Why did she have to leave me? I still need her so much...)

I keep trying to think of all the good times that we had. I try to remember the 17 wonderful years. But it just makes me cry harder.

I dread going into my room now. I never fully realized that it was as much her room as mine. Now that she's gone, it's so quiet and empty and dead. Whenever I go in, I automatically look at the bed, where she used to curl up all the time. I keep expecting to see her sleepy smile or hear her quiet meow! greeting me as I come in the door.

I wait for it out of habit, but it never comes.

I keep thinking that it's all some horrible dream... I'll wake up and she'll be curled up around my head like she always was. Or I'll come home just to discover that she's been hiding under the dresser.

I don't want her to be dead. I just can't handle the fact that I'll never see her again. I cried myself sick last night, and it took me longer than usual to get to sleep. I may have to go sleep in the guest room tonight. I just can't deal with this empty room.

To my sweet kitty... Thank you so much for 17 years of unconditional love. I'll never forget you.

And for those who are wondering "What the hell kind of name is 'Pudd Tat'?"... I was only five; give me a break. As to where I got the name... < Tweety Bird voice > "I tawt I taw a puddy tat! I did! I did taw a puddy tat!" < /voice >