This never gets any easier...

[piasharn]

A few weeks ago, I noticed that she hadn't been eating. I leave dry food and water out for my cats, but I had also started giving them some canned food in the evening. I had gotten some once for a treat, but Natasha loved it so much that I continued to buy it. (Musashi is a pickier eater. He loves the gravy portion of the canned food, but doesn't have much interest in the meat part.) She was always so good about licking the last little bit from her dish (and then going over to finish off anything that Musashi didn't eat) that it surprised me when she started leaving food on her dish.

After a few days of this, I started to get worried. I knew I needed to find a vet out here anyway, so I went online and located one nearby that has a good reputation. I made an appointment for the afternoon of 16 May (a Friday) and brought her in to see the vet.

The vet noticed right away that she was jaundiced. (In fact, I was kicking myself for not noticing it before he pointed it out - the insides of her ears, which were normally a pale pink, were bright yellow.) Jaundice can be caused by a lot of things, so he got blood and urine samples and took some x-rays.

The results weren't too clear. We ruled out leukemia, feline AIDS, blood parasites, and a lot of other problems. However, there was clearly something wrong with her liver. The various chemicals and whatnot that indicate liver function were extremely high.

It was possible that it was fatty liver (which could be fixed with the proper food), a liver infection (which could be fixed with antibiotics), a clot of blockage in the liver or gallbladder (which could be fixed with surjery), or liver failure (which could not be fixed).

He took an ultrasound to check for clots, however, he didn't have anyone there who could read the images. Those, along with the tech's notes, were sent over to a specialist to be read and would be back the following Tuesday. (The clinic was closed on Monday for Memorial Day.)

I got food and medications and took her home. She still wouldn't eat on her own, and the vet had stressed that making sure she got food was one of the most important things I could do right now. He warned me that I may have to force feed her, which is what I ended up doing.

I mixed the food with water until it was about the consistency of a milkshake and filled a syringe. Wrapping her in a towel, I forced her mouth open and squirted the mixture down her throat. She hated it, and I hated doing it to her.

She threw it up. Every time I gave it to her. She couldn't keep anything down.

Not only was I worried about this, but by Saturday afternoon, she was becoming very unsteady on her feet. She could barely stand up straight. Knowing that the vet wouldn't be open again until Tuesday, I found an emergency pet clinic that is open 24/7 and took her in.

They ended up having to keep her overnight and put in a feeding tube. They explained that the unsteadiness was probably caused by her liver. Since it wasn't working properly, her blood wasn't being filtered and the toxins were affecting her brain.

She handled feedings through the tube well, and seemed to be doing a bit better by Monday. She was certainly perkier, although she was still wobbling around like she was drunk.

I talked to the vet on Tuesday about the ultrasound results. There were no clots, stones, or blockages. So chances were it was either fatty liver, an infection, or liver failure. Without a biopsy (which I couldn't afford) we couldn't be sure. I was instructed to continue with the food and medicine and bring her back in a week.

So things seemed to be going OK for a while. Natasha seemed stable at least. This past Tuesday, I brought her in as instructed. The news wasn't good.

The jaundice should have been clearing up, and it wasn't. She should have been steadier on her feet, and she wasn't. Also, when listening to her heart, the vet heard a murmur. (We don't know if it was something that had been missed during past exams, or if it was a recent development.) The vet was worried, and I was terrified.

I was given more food and some new medicines and told to come back in another week.

In the past few day, she has gotten even more unsteady on her feet. She couldn't make it to the litterbox (which I had moved near my bed to make it easier on her) on her own. I had to hold her up while she used it to keep her from falling face-first into the litter. She tried to jump off the bed when I was out of the room once, landed on her back, and couldn't get up. She began spending most of her time hiding under my bed rather than on top of it with me. She didn't want to be handled and resisted when I tried to inject the food into her feeding tube.

I called the vet this morning, explained the situation, and was told to come in right away.

I was already anticipating what would happen at this point. Still, I had to ask him what he thought the best thing to do would be, and he confirmed it: it would be best for her to be put to sleep.

The first time I met Natasha, she collapsed in my arms, purring loudly. Her last moments were also spent in my arms, purring loudly. (Although this time I was crying like a baby.)

I really can't articulate how wonderful her personality was; you really had to meet her to get the full impact.

She always looked like she was pissed off, but she was actually an extremely loving, affectionate animal. She loved cheese and corn chips. If I made nachos, she would climb into my lap and stretch a paw out towards the plate, trying to reach them. She liked to sleep curled up on top of me. She was always at the door waiting when I came home. If I talked to her, she would talk back. When she purred, her whole body vibrated. Even at the end, when she could barely walk, she would stagger over to me, fall into my lap, and snuggle.

Poor Musashi doesn't seem to know what to make of all this. He hasn't had anyone to play with, which is obviously bothering him. He certainly seemed to know that something was wrong with his sister (no, Natasha and Musashi were not biologically related, but I always think of them as siblings) and didn't bother her when she needed rest. I'm glad he's here, though. Without him, I'd be completely alone in the apartment, and I don't think I could handle that right now.

She was only six or seven years old. I was lucky to have her for the four and a half years that I did, but I wish I could have been with her for so much longer. As you might imagine, I have been crying myself sick all day.

I'm so sorry, Natasha. Sorry that I couldn't do more for you. Sorry that I couldn't make you better. Sorry that we had so little time together. You had a very unique personality, and I enjoyed your antics tremendously. As with Pudd Tat, I will never forget you, never stop loving you, and never stop missing you.