I Can See Thestrals Now

[piasharn]

Today was a milestone of sorts, I suppose...

I watched a patient die on the table in the trauma room.

I've seen dead bodies before, but I've never actually witnessed someone pass away. It wasn't the death that bothered me so much (the patient was unconscious and undergoing CPR when s/he arrived) as the reaction of the spouse, who arrived some time later. The quiet grief, the gentle kiss on the forehead, was far more poignant than the vocal exclamations I have seen from others.

One of the trauma nurses was red-eyed and sniffing by the time we wheeled the body out. S/he put it down to lack of sleep and a long shift. Plus the fact that we've had a lot of trauma cases - some fatal - come in during the past couple of weeks. (We had three in a row earlier today. This particular case was the fourth for the day.) I pointed out to her that there was no shame in mourning the passing of another living being, whether or not s/he had known the person.

It wasn't until after I got home that I broke down.

Comments

[travellyr.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
You're a good person, and you have a beautiful mind.

I don't think you hear that often enough.

[piasharn.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

I knew it was something I'd see soomer or later. But you never know exactly how you'll react until it actually occurs.

[hiyami.livejournal.com]

I figure a cat icon isn't the best to comment on such an entry, but I don't know what icon would be appropriate...

I figure in some ways you're expected (for your own sake) to get a little less sensitive to it, just so you can keep being efficient to help cure people?

[piasharn.livejournal.com]

It's a fine line in terms of sensitivity. I don't ever want to become so innured to it that I don't feel anything. At the same time, I certainly can't break down every time a patient dies in front of me.

When the patient is brought in and the trauma team is working, there's no problem. There's just no time to think, only act. It's after the doctor has called the time of death and we're covering up the body that it really hits.

For better or for worse, I'm an expert at repressing my emotions, so I can usually hold on until I'm alone.

[hiyami.livejournal.com]

> When the patient is brought in and the trauma team is working, there's no
> problem. There's just no time to think, only act. It's after the
> doctor has called the time of death and we're covering up the body that
> it really hits.

I know this a little, in times of crisis I'm never emotional until all possibilities of action are exhausted. It tends to get me frustrated a little with people who do freak out or start complaining or looking for someone to blame, when instead they could DO something. Or at least not add to the problem by being obnoxious about it.
I figure people in health care HAVE to be that kind of people.

> For better or for worse, I'm an expert at repressing my emotions, so I
> can usually hold on until I'm alone.

In that specific case, it's probably better for the patients and their family that you can hold on while at work, because with emotions being rather contagious, it would probably increase their stress to see the medical staff all flipped out too.

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