(no subject)

[piasharn]

I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what could cause two young, healthy cats to develop liver problems and within months of each other. I wish I had had the money to do more tests and afford more treatments.

A couple of weeks ago, I had started Musashi on some new medications, and they seemed to be working at first. He was perkier, more energetic, and I thought that some of the yellow was actually beginning to recede. A couple of days ago, though, things took a turn for the worse. He hid constantly under the bed. He stopped eating and drinking. He would often let out a meow that was... I don't know how exactly to describe it, but it wasn't his normal voice, and I got very worried that he was in pain.

When I brought him into the vet yesterday he would hardly even move. He just lay on the table, not even lifting his head up. I had suspected what would have to be done, and the vet confirmed it.

I meant to post a memorial for him last night but... I just couldn't bring myself to go back to the apartment right away. It was hard enough when Natasha died, and at least Musashi was still around then. Now it's just empty in here, and it doesn't help that there are reminders of my kitties everywhere I look - the food and water dishes, litter box, toys, brushes, cat bed, plus all the medicines and whatnot. It took me forever to get to sleep last night, and I've been seriously considering grabbing a blanket tonight and curling up somewhere in Balboa Park with the homeless people.

You know how some cats have an air of "I am great and wonderful and beautiful and everyone should worship me"? Musashi didn't. He was incredibly shy. When I first brought him home, he must have spent at least a week hiding under my bed. Even when he was comfortable around me, he still rarely ventured out of my room. Once he got used to me, he became an extremely loving and affectionate friend, although he'd still dart back under the bed whenever a stranger came in the room.

He's also the only cat I have known who preferred dry food over canned food. Treats rarely interested him, and he was fairly indifferent to catnip. On the other hand, he loved toy mice of any variety and had a strange fascination with cardboard boxes. Put one anywhere in the room and he'd be in it in a matter of seconds. He was an amazing jumper, a mighty hunter of flies and other bugs, and actually pranced when he got excited.

He was a good sized, sleek, handsome male, but his voice was hilariously girly. It was this high-pitched, delicate sound. Whenever he was inquisitive, he made this silly trilling noise.

I'm so sorry, Musashi. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I couldn't make you better. You (and Natasha) should have lived another decade. I feel like I let you both down in some way, even though everyone keeps telling me that there was nothing more I could do. But I took responsibility for you when I adopted you, and I feel like I failed in that responsibility by letting this happen.

I miss you so much.

Comments

[sudaki.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I can't imagine how awful it must be. It sounds like there really was nothing you could have done, though. Sometimes there isn't. I know that's not all that comforting. But it sounds like your babies thoroughly enjoyed most of their lives and were properly spoiled. You didn't fail them.

Catlessness is one of the loneliest states in the world. Hang in there.

*more hugs*

[aigooshesays.livejournal.com]

Oh no! I'm so sorry.

[hiyami.livejournal.com]

:(
I'm sorry for you.
You treated them well while they were around.

[travellyr.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry you lost your friends. When my cat dies, I will dearly miss listening to her snore, and seeing her sleep in unexpected places or in graceless poses. When the family her-own-cat dies, there will be this sense of... honor and delight and accomplishment, whenever that crochety old thing trills sweetly at you, or purrs... and that cat has been a crochety old lady since the day she was born. ^^; And when my dog died, I lost a sister.

I'm so sorry you have to come home to a quiet, empty house, and how much harder that makes Musashi's death.

My condolences for the loss of your pet.

[lee17.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your kitty. It's hard not to blame yourself, but try not to. We often blame ourselves for death, but death is one thing that is definitely not a human responsibility. Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.